This is not a dear diary moment


This is not a dear diary moment….more of a telling tale to all the parents who will have their precious offspring go through the motions of bullying.

…An hour before netball practice the other day, the manager text us saying we would be doing a club promotion with a photo or video shoot. Panic set in. Hairy, white legs cannot be hidden when you are wearing a dress that barely covers your cellulited ass. Mumma ain’t got the body she used to have.

Immediately I took to the bathroom and applied instant fake tan to my legs. Summer has just ended and you’d think a girl with Maori blood in her might get a slight colouring on her skin. Alas, this is not the case. And never has been the case. As I applied the fake tan, anxiety flooded back to me like a tsunami. ‘Jess, get a grip! Your 30! Surely feelings you have from being bullied about the way you looked as teenager would have subsided’ said the small yet large voice. Nope. Still there.

Watching Paul Henry today, a researcher on there said that 15 years after people were bullied, they still felt anxiety and insecurities. Some even to the extreme that it affected their work and productivity. On Sunday, it wasn’t work but getting my photo taken which would eventually be public. I resorted to fake tan. Ridiculous. 15 years is bang on for me, stirring up feelings when I wanted to leave the earth. No shit. It felt like that. I wanted to leave the earth.


I just hope, pray, that parents of children teach their kids about empathy, celebrating diversity in those they meet, caring, respect. And also teach their own cherubs to celebrate their uniqueness, their beauty both inside and out. I wish that parents of boys teach them to respect every single girl and say shut the f up to those boys whose mothers didn’t teach them manners, or those that choose to ignore it just to be cool. That word. Cool. Such a bitch.


Lily will be shown all those things and so much more through our words, actions and constant love. There will be no cool. Only uniqueness. That way no-one she surrounds herself will ever feel they want to leave this earth.

Rocking up to netball, whipping my pants off, feeling photo worthy with my tanned legs, only to get told keep my pants on, it’s a shoulder up video. Fuck it. If only I’d tamed the caterpillars growing where my eyebrows are suppose to be.



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