We are in the throes of it right now. 38 weeks and quickly/slowly counting. And by we I mean me. Because really dear Husband, you are my rock, my support, but you don’t know what this is feeling like. I tried explaining to him, the soreness feels. That heavy, weighing down feeling where everything is pushing down onto your vagina, stabbing, aching. Men: Imagine having weights tied onto your balls and everytime you walk, gravity does its thing on those weights and balls…and stabs them. With needles.
So here are my 12 truths about the end of pregnancy.
1. You have an excuse not to do much round the home. And wear no pants while not doing much.
2. If something drops on the ground, leave it. Food. Clothes. Small child. Leave it. It’s too hard.
3. Slip on shoes are your best friend. Scuffs, slippers or my favourite, husbands gumboots. Just slip your feet on in and you’re good to go.
4. Invest in one of these t-shirts to wear. That way, each week (or even day) you can change the chalk text to read how long to go. For public purposes.
5. Set up a timed facebook/email/text message servivce that tells people each day that YES, still a baby inside! Trust me, you’ll be the FIRST person I tell vegetable shop lady.
6. (This could just be me. Swear I’m not weird). Every wipe of toilet paper after using the toilet is checked to see if there is any remnants of mucus plug/bloodyshow/waters.
7. Sleep. It doesn’t exist. Too hot. Too cold. Too sore. Too uncomfortable because lying on one side goes numb and achey from the added weight so you heave weight onto other side and sleep for 10 minutes only to wake to go to toilet for the 100th time. Repeat.
8. Any pain, soreness, twinge or unusual feeling is quickly searched up on Dr. Google to see if it means this is it, we are have lift off! My current Google tab open; Does excessive smelly flatulence mean I’m in labour??
9. Out shopping (dumb idea), you will weigh up if A) parking far away from shops entrance and avoiding all other parked cars is better than B) parking close to shops and near other cars thus risk not being able to get out of car as trapped by belly and toddler. Opt for option A and take the longer walking distance. Shop. Come back to car only to find in an empty lot, SOMEHOW TWO BLOODY CARS have parked beside you and you actually can’t get into your car without banging their stupid cars, knocking toddlers head (gently) on car door and squishing bump (painfully). All the while sweating and swearing, to which toddler copies, yelling F*** SAKE at the top of their lungs. Truth.
10. Baby will come when baby is ready. Totally. I preach it. But it can’t hurt to try a couple of things, right? Curry.
Pineapple. Walking. Certain Yoga moves. Acupressure. Raspberry leaf tea. Sex. Oh GOD no!! Honestly couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable right now. It’d be like a whale (Me. I’m going by body size wise here, nothing else!) and a goldfish (husband) getting it on. So awkward, so unsexy, so no.
11. All the feelings. The anticipation and excitement and scared shitless feeling of meeting little beauty all in one emotional tangled ball.
12. As annoying as everything is at this stage of pregnancy, as sore and frustrating, we, (and I do say we as a collective) should be grateful that we can experience this joy. And see that the light at the end of the tunnel is near so to speak. #punny