Dear friends and family. I’m sorry I have been so absent lately. I’m sorry if I’ve missed your birthdays, your events. If I’ve flaked last minute to see you, I’m sorry. I see your messages and I go to reply but I’m not sure what to say most of the time. I value our friendship, I hope my flakiness doesn’t deter it. I just feel like my mind is like a knotted up necklace that every time I go to unravel it the slippery knots get tighter and more tangled.
Dear husband. I’m sorry I have been moody, absent and disengaged with our relationship. I’m sorry I don’t take interest in your life outside these walls. I’m sorry for yelling, for slamming doors, for giving you the cold shoulder for no obvious reason. You are my grounding, my rock and I love you so so very much. It’s just that I can’t find joy in day to day things at the moment. Everything said feels like a dig, when it’s not. It’s just irrational thinking. It’s just my feelings are like the dark fog that surrounds our neighborhood on a wintery day; Creeping in, hanging, encroaching and pushing down.
Dear Lily. My beautiful fierce Lily. I’m sorry I have not been interacting with you a much as you like and need. I’m sorry you feel sad at times when you see mummy holding Elijah. I’m sorry mummies time is no longer all for you. I’m sorry you have had mummy growl at you for no real reason and your’ve seen mummy cry so often. It’s just that mummy feels sad she can’t give herself to you as much as she used to. Her brain feels like the purple and yellow playdough we like to squish in our hands and forget to put away in its container; squishy, pliable and then crusty.
Dear Elijah. I’m sorry you have a mummy who isn’t present a lot of the time. I’m sorry sometimes you are left to grizzle while I attend to your sister and her fun ways. It’s just that mummies thoughts overwhelmly wash over her at times; Like that warm water washing over you when daddy gives you a bath.
Dear Jess. I’m sorry I have neglected your health, both physically and mentally. I’m sorry you feel all these thoughts and feelings. But I am so proud of you for reaching out and getting the help you need! It’s not easy but your doing awesome. You can fight this big black dog of postnatal anxiety and depression. It’s ok to be not ok.